.

I really need to learn how to accept people the way they are and get used to the fact that just because you were nice to someone, they're not always gonna repay your kindness. It really saddens me when people are just pretending to care, giving us false hope, acting all coy and as if nothing's wrong.

And then comes the moment when we are in need of help, they disappear. They neglect us, both our problems and our presence. 

Me in One Sentance

I am a infinite galaxy that stands in between a socially awkward individual and an unruly extrovert. 

Self-Reflection: Boys

Since i'm on my two weeks of holiday, I spent most of my time reading books and watch endless videos on youtube (so adventurous ikr), and semester 3 is just around the corner so i'm currently planting on new positive perspectives and I seek for a fresh new start and not making the mistakes that I made in the past, but what I learned while I was sitting against the computer screen was, a lot. And one of them happens to be about the opposite sex. 

I've watched this video earlier on Youtube by Mirella Belle titled, How to Get the Boy You Like. At first I was kinda skeptic about it because one, she's super pretty so I presume it'll be easy for her to get any guy she wants, and two, i'm kinda fed up for now on boys, so i'm not gonna waste my time thinking about boys all day and i'm already a Uni student now, I have to focus on my studies, be more productive in blogging, exercising, networking, and etc.

But as I got deeper into the video, I have so much respect for her because she really discusses about the importance of having inner confidence and how to look presentable in front of your crush. She also talks about some things that really made me realise that if you're naturally a weird person, don't be ashamed of it, don't hide it, because if a guy falls in love or likes you for the person he met at the beginning of your friendship, he'll be shock to see the real person that you are if you hide your true self from him, because sooner or later, it'll come out. 

Now i'm not saying that we should be frontally show our craziness and hyper activeness in front of that guy that we like (I mean, it'll freak them out) but I think it's also a lesson for me to stay true to myself. I'm the type of person that I stumble a lot of my words when i'm in front of my crush because i'm nervous and I end up saying stupid things or laugh like a lunatic because I don;t know what to say, and i'm afraid if i don't do or say something unique, i'll be easily forgotten, and even to my own surprise, i'm actually a fairly shy person when it comes to being around my crush, and for those who knows me well, it's totally obvious.

Another thing I learned from her video is to compliment a guy, and it is in a way that we praise of the effort that he has done with his hair or maybe he has achieved something that he worked hard for, and make sure to do it in a sweet  and sincere way, not in a skanky and overly flirtatious way. Which i'm embarrass to admit it to myself that, I often make this mistake. When I get too overly excited, the words that come out from my mouth isn't what I planned on my head, and it often ends up people misunderstanding me, which I hate it a lot when it happens.

I guess I can say that i'm not the type of girl that compares myself to other girls, because I believe every girl in this world is beautiful in their own way. But, there are times when I feel like my self esteem just fell from a tall building when the guy that I like is crushing on somebody else. What I would usually do is I would ask to my close friends about what is this girl like, and I would go to Instagram or Facebook, or even Google so see what she looks like. And when i'm feeling extra sad, there are times where I look at the mirror and start comparing myself to her, and if it's at a severe point, i'll usually cry it out.

But no, I will not do that anymore, in fact the last time I compared myself to a girl that my crush likes is back then in High School, which that was a long time ago and i'm quite proud of myself. In the video, she stated that the biggest two turndowns are, when a girl compares herself with another girl, and when a girl talks bad about other girls. Which I could not agree more.

I think the one of the biggest mistakes that I often make is not going through my words when i'm talking to a guy, I mean, i'm just gonna admit that I sometimes do talk crap about other people and yes mostly it is about other girls, which I am not proud of, and I wish to change. I sometime don't really know what I want, I want to have a guy friend but i mistreat him like a girl so I would talk to that guy as is he was a girl, but on the other hand, I have a crush on this guy and I want to be comfortable around him and again, I stumble upon my words and I ended up talking about crap. 

But I want to change, I wish they would know of how much I regret saying bad things about other people while i'm talking to them. It really is not the real me. But there's no turning back, I can only move forward and learn from the many mistakes i've made. I need to learn how to talk slowly and not get too excited, and also go through my words twice or more before I actually let it out of my mouth. And one last thing, I need to quit laughing like a lunatic, I mean I don't forbid myself when i'm around my girlfriends, but I just want to turn down the volume when i'm in front of guys.

So yeah that's about it, I guess there's a couple of other things I did not go through because i'm not the kind of writer that makes a writing plan before I write (even though I should) but I just pour out any words that pops into my head and type it.

I hope you all can learn a thing or two from reading this blogpost and until then, I will keep on developing myself into a much more better person.

xoxo,

Gia

A Glimpse of Broken Perfection

Have you ever walked pass by and take a glance at a stunningly beautiful person to someone that to you, every single thing about them is flawless (because we are bewildered by their physical appearance) and you thought to yourself, i wish i was more of like that person or i wish i could be that person. But we do not know what goes through on that person's mind. Sure, maybe that person has the ideal body, the effortlessly stunning hair, flawless skin, captivating eyes, a great fashion sense, a dream boyfriend/girlfriend by their side, and everything just seems perfect when you look at that person. But beneath all of that beauty, do you know that that person might be in deep agony?

Sometimes, we feel at a certain point of depression where we strive for what other people have. It makes us blind. We're so focused on wanting something that we want to have that we forget what we already have and we are not being blessed. And funny thing is, we're so busy wanting what other people have and somewhere or maybe someone that we do not know of are secretly wanting what we have. What is this cycle? What is happiness when it seems like the thing we want the most is not as great as we thought it would? I'm sorry, maybe it's just me and my wicked mind but i'm also on the road of finding genuine happiness.

I have this theory, where God always listens to our desires, even if it's unspoken. God knows. God also grants our wants. But it comes with a price. Let's say, when we want something or to be like someone, God may gives us what what we want, but sometimes, what we want isn't necessarily the best thing for us. Who knows, when we wish to be like the other person and we pray to God to transform us into that person, maybe we don't realise that we're also unknowingly wishing to have that person's bad qualities as well. And why God let those thing happen? To teach us a valuable lesson.

Overall, be blessed with the life that God has designed for all of you and always see the good in the bad even if it is only a single dot of light in a dark landscape. There is nothing wrong with having wants and desires but please do not compare your life to someone else's. When you see someone that you want to be, see them as a motivator and do not be a copycat version of that person!

xoxo,

Gia

"You were born an original, don't die a copy."

- John Mason

Why

Why when we want something so bad, we will do almost anything for us to get it.

Why is pain similar to love? it demands to be felt.

Why do we feel like our adrenaline increases when we see something that makes us feel alive?

Why do we feel not as happy as we think we would when we have receive something we want so badly?

Why?

The way i think is like broken pieces of glass scattered upon the floor; i was once a perfectly carved vessel, but as time aged me, and as life quivers me, my thoughts are broken parts of the wholeness i was once.

xoxo,

Gia

Illusion

I believe every each and one of us has our own special illusive world that we generate with our own imagination. It is a special place where everything is unrivalled. If the forces above suddenly gives me a choice, a part of me just wants to drown myself in a illusive world where all of the pain that i have sealed inside actually make sense.

I fall in love with illusions more than real moments. What seems to be as it is is not what seems are in my head. I like carving things in a different prospect inside my imagination. It often confuses me up to the point where i am overwhelmed by my own thoughts.

I have come to the realisation where i hurt so deeply because of a guy is because i was not in love with him, i was in love with the illusion of him. The image of him that alters because of my own wrongdoing. There is no reason for me to be this hurt because it is not real. Even if the pain feels real, the situation isn't.

Do not fall for the illusive spell your imagination grasps.

xoxo,

Gia

God's Grace

lately things has been quite hard for me, for no specific reason i've been very restless and thinking too much and i think it has got to the point where it over-consumed me, it's like, at one point i can be happy and at another point it's like i suddenly forget and i kinda lose myself, on top of that, i cannot remember when was the last time i prayed to God.

My mom advised me to surrender myself to God and ask for forgiveness and help. I did what i was advised and i confessed to God, life confuses me, the uncertainty, the universe; does it repels itself from karma? why do the things we thought are not the same as we have a taste of it on our own? there were clearly too many questions wandering around my head and it was paralysing. 

By the time i finished praying, a weight has been lifted from my shoulders, the muscles in between my eyebrows softens, and i could feel my heartbeat beating at a constant pace. I smiled.

It was at noon where i walked back to my place after a day at campus, i felt something different in me, what i hate most about walking by my own is the uncertainty, who knows who you might bump into and i just hate, honestly despise it when a group of people looks at me from afar thinking that i do not realise their pair of eyes observing my every move, i also dislike the sound of engines; they're too loud and noisy. But in that moment, i feel different, i was calm and enjoying every step that i took, i felt like there was a invisible force-field that was surrounding me, like i am inside a bubble, the sounds of the cars passing by did not irritate me as much as it used to and in my surprise, the presence of others did not infuriate me.

I looked up to the skies and say, thank you God. It was a precious moment where i felt God's grace was protecting me from the things that made me uncomfortable and made me realise that beauty lies in every corner that we look only if we pretend the destruction that overflows it is invisible; we have to mind it in order for that beauty makes it way into our senses.

I want to feel God's grace every single day of my life until i die, some say it's a struggle; to stay consistent, but i think it is worth the effort. Sometimes all you gotta do is ask and God will permit ti :)

xoxo,

Gia

Rejoice

Have you ever had one of those days where all you wanna do all day is just lay in bed and ignore the things you most do? unfortunately, i was having those days when i had to sit in class and stay there for the next hours ahead.

It's not them, it's not me, it's the energy that rotates in a circular motion throughout our universe that sends us off to our breaking points, main thing is, people were just pissing me off that day and all i wanna do was hit their faces with a frying pan and watch them trembling in despair MUHAHAHA well i can't really do that 'cause sooner or later i'll pretty much forgive them and forget whatever happened before.

At around close to midnight, i was watching an episode of 2 Broke Girls and some youtube videos, and suddenly a lot of romantic genre movie trailers suddenly popped in front of my youtube home page, without hesitation, i pretty much watched a ton of it and i'm more of the adventurous-movie type junkie but tonight, i was craving for something that touched my emotional side. After watching a ton of those, i find myself laughing my butt off, tears of joy and i feel rejoiced :) it feels like a daily dose of motivation came out of the screen and i was recharging myself to be back on track

Point is, whenever you're having a bad day, don't just sit around and do nothing! the world if filled with hidden secrets and tombs of happiness if only we give in to ourselves and live in that state of moment,there is always a chance to turn that gloomy day into a wonderful day :)

xoxo,

Gia

Chains

Ever since i was little, i've always been fascinated in the art of philosophy, just a few months ago, i stumbled upon The Philosophy Book from DK Publishing from the best-seller section, no wonder, i mean, all of these great ideas and complicated theories about mankind's tendencies are explained, well most of it.

I haven't exactly got the perfect moment for my hands to grasp into every page but there was this one quote that stood up from the rest on the front cover, quoted "Man is born free and everywhere he is in chains." clearly it is a metaphor, a metaphor that i've been dying to blab about to other people.

When we are born, our soul is ours to claim to live in this world & the world that exists after it and our body belongs to ourselves for the age of our youth. But why, when we reach at a certain point of our lives, we feel harmed in doing things we want?

I name them, The Invisible Chains, cannot be seen but can only be felt. A chain that is made up of the negativity that steams inside our mind and overtake on the way we see things.

We are chained by the rules that limits our freedom, we are chained by the mocks that people direct at us so we cannot do more of what we could, we are chained by our parents orders to do things that are unacceptable to them but what we desire most.

Everywhere we go and everything we do, our behaviours are based on what we think we should do for the sake of being accepted, we are like puppets, the puppet master (and just to clear thing up, i'm not referring this to God, it's just the forces that lies on our heads that seems to have a greater power than it truly has) pulls our strings and controls our every movement we make.

If only we; as puppets, can negotiate to our puppet masters, to be free at some point and to be pulled back when we need to redeem ourselves.

But how do we get out from this state that we're in? and what happens if there are no chains left in us all? would there be chaos? or would it bring us satisfaction or perhaps, happiness?

A part of me does want to be let loose and cut all of these strings so i can be free and empowered, but another part of me is fragile and afraid on what lies for my future if i do not have any limits, i might just go mad and do whatever i want, even if it involves hurting someone, mentally. 

I often feel like there's an anchor at the very end of these chains that drags me to where it stops and it prevents me from crossing the line, i do want to rebel from it, but will it include pain and tears along the way?

These contradicting wants really makes my head hurt. I over-think, too much for my own good. But it's been better now since i have this blog to surrender myself.

xoxo,

Gia

The 'Host' that lives inside of us

A couple of days ago i decided to watch a movie in the middle of the night because i was in desperate need of inspiration, a though of the movie, The Host, suddenly flew by my mind because i saw the trailer a couple of weeks ago and i was quite impressed, so i decided to watch it anyways despite for the fact that i needed to wake up at 7 am in the morning hahahaha

The movie started off a little bit confusing as a girl named, Melanie, was running away from these peoples that were dressed in white and holding this some kind of futuristic pepper spray, the story continued on where Melanie died because she bursted out of a window and jumped off of a building, which later on she was taken by these people dressed in white to a room where she was lied down and they injected something into her back neck and this creature came out of this metal compartment and it got into Melanie's body.

Based from the movie, the human population was being taken over by these aliens from another planet as they can control a human's body but sometimes, some human fights back so even though the aliens are occupying their body, the presence of their soul still haunts their mind and sometimes it's hard for them to permanently leave. Melanie is different from the rest, her Host, Wanderer feels her strong presence in 'their' head and whenever she wants to do something, Melanie steps in it.

The movie was a sci-fi romance film that had a really interesting storyline as Melanie and Wanderer was torn between two men, Melanie wanted to be with Jared and Wanderer fell in love with Ian, but using Melanie's body. As the story continued on, it made me opened my eyes that a person can truly love someone based on what they are on the inside regardless of what they look like on the outside.

You guys might think i'm crazy for saying this, but i think every single human being that has ever existed in this world has their own 'Host' living inside of them. Including me, including you; who's currently reading my blog, including us, us all.

Ever wonder who is that little voice that wanders inside our head every time we are about to make a decision? that voice that seems to say contradicting things in comparison to what our heart says? well that my friend, i call them our 'Host' or i also like to call them our 2nd-selves.

These Hosts are a part of us that had gone through events that we have and felt what we feel since the day we were born. But sometimes we close ourselves to our internal voices because hearing all of these voices (both from internal and external factors) can be quite exhausting but we don't realise that we are forgetting a piece of ourselves left behind.

In the movie, even though Wanderer was controlling Melanie's body, a part of Melanie's soul still exists within, every decision that Wanderer wants to make that is against Melanie's virtue, things didn't go as well as either of them wanted because these two were fighting with each other. Same with us, when we want something but if there is a wary feeling that we have inside, it will show and effect ourselves, sometimes if we keep on going with these internal disturbance going on, things could go fatal.

I have come to the conclusion that to connect with ourselves is to make ourselves in peace with our Hosts and learn to fall in love with ourselves again and again.

:)