I think everyone has definitely gone through a phase where they idolise someone and admires their achievements, their looks, their life and whatnot. As we look at ourselves in the mirror, with high hopes and dreams, we hope of becoming to like the person we want to be. For as many years as I could ever imagine, i've always wanted to be this person or that person and I was relentlessly picking out the differences between my life and theirs, and it made me much worse knowing i'll never be like them and I will never have the things that they have.
But as I got older, I now realise why all of those struggles in the past of trying to become like someone else didn't work. The universe did not grant my wish, and I am happy for that. Now I have realise that the person that I want to be is the best version of myself. I keep telling myself that it is ok to idolise someone to look up to and make them as role models, but there has to be a fine line between idolising and obsessing.
It took me years to actually figure this out but, if I do want to be the best version of myself, or let's say the person I want to become, I have to start by change. I read this amazing quote on weheartit that somewhat sounds like this,
"The only difference between the person that you are now and the person that you want to become is the things that you do."
- Anonymous
I think that quote really did gave me a hard slap of reality and it empowered me. I have to start step by step and even doing the littlest thing that didn't seem like they would make a big impact, but they actually do. I don't know if I have ever mentioned this on my blog but, I have anxiety issues. There are a lot of times where I wake up in the morning and for some reason, I can't relax, i'm already tensed in the morning, i'll grab my earphones and listen to music to start my daydream in hopes of entering dream world would make things better but it never did and I procrastinate on a lot of things, and then I get pissed off because I can't even do the littlest things without the feeling of worrying inside of me. This sounds stupid but I even can't relax and eat properly in the dining table when I eat by myself because i'm always panting on the inside and I end up eating and walking around my bedroom like a foolish five year old, and yes, it was that severe.
But I want to change, now I pay attention to every single thing I want to start doing just like the person I want to become will do. I first get up in the morning, take a deep breath and thank God for life, then I open the curtains and the windows, turn off the air conditioner, make my bed, stretch, and I control myself if a part of me tries to go back to my old reckless routine and I try my best to resist my obsession towards daydreaming and I put my earphones in my sister's bedroom so it will be out of reach from me. I even hold myself when I want to eat and constantly remind myself to have manners even when i'm eating alone and doing things properly.
Every now and then I do still lose myself and caught myself pacing back and forth to music but it's ok. I tell myself that it's ok because I am still in the process of recovery and I don't go hard on myself. For some it's easy to do things like brushing your teeth after waking up but it's a struggle for me, used to. But i'm in it for the long-run and I will continue doing this step by step and we'll see :) i'll definitely be making more posts about self-development in the future.
To some, this might sound silly but we all have our own struggles that we're the only ones that comprehends the pain. Also, i'm so fed up of missing out many great moments in life due to my anxiety and depression. I want to change, and it's gonna be a new semester ahead, I want things to get better and I want to get back on track.
So yeah, sometimes I don't really know exactly the kind person want to become but for all I know is that I want to be the kind of person that can enjoy life even if the people in it tries to bring me down, to keep doing what I love even if things aren't going well, to enjoy every moment of life even with it's imperfections, to find my passion and love what I do, to handle things more wisely, and there is so much more I could honestly write a essay about it.
I was originally gonna write the title of this post as 'To Become the Person I Want to Become' but then I realise, I will become this person because I am willing to change to be it and I will start doing it now. You can't wait for something great happen to you, you have to work hard and earn that greatness and it starts with change.
xoxo,
Gia
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